Dating. Going out. Being in a relationship. Whatever term you use, romantic feelings tend to heat up between the ages of 13 and 17, igniting plenty of questions along with them. Is it possible to date someone without losing your head? When is the time right for your first kiss? What makes a relationship good? WebMD talked to several experts -- teens and adults -- to find out.
Dating Tip #1: Take Your Time: The Date Can Wait
There’s no need to rush into dating. “Girls need to feel good about themselves before they start to date,” says Charles Wibbelsman, MD, chief of adolescent medicine at Kaiser Permanente, San Francisco. Some girls feel pressured because their friends are dating, he tells WebMD, and this is a mistake. “Girls should only date if they know themselves and know they want to date.”
Dating gives you the chance to build new skills: communication, decision-making, and assertiveness for instance. But it takes a solid foundation to handle the strong emotions romance can kindle. Wibbelsman has seen too many girls get depressed, even suicidal when their first love doesn’t work out. “If it’s the first time she’s gone through a break-up, it’s easy for a girl to believe she’ll never get over the emotional pain she feels,” he says.
Even when you feel good about yourself and know what you want, finding the right guy takes time. Erica, 16, knows all about this. She wants to meet someone who can communicate and treat her right, qualities she hasn’t found in a guy yet. “Guys my age need to step up their game,” she says. “I almost had a boyfriend, but he was so immature. It was a relief when it didn’t work out.” Until she finds someone who values her for who she is, Erica’s happy to have friends and stay single.
Dating Tip #2: Find Someone Who Likes You Back
Loving someone that doesn’t love you back is like reaching for a star. You know you’ll never reach it but you just keep trying.
Rachel, 13, put this in her sig file when she had a crush on a boy who didn’t have feelings for her. The experience made her question everything about herself. “Did I say something wrong? Was I wearing the wrong things? Did I eat too much in front of him?” Fortunately, her friends were there for her and helped her realize there would be other boys, boys who would like her back.
“The feelings in a healthy relationship are mutual,” says Elizabeth Alderman, MD, chair of American Academy of Pediatrics’ Adolescent Health section. “The two people respect each other, respect each others’ needs, and have fun together,” says Alderman, who is also a professor of clinical pediatrics at Children’s Hospital at Montefiore/Albert Einstein College of Medicine in Bronx, N.Y.
If you want someone to respect your needs, you need to speak up. This is a good time to practice communication skills and assertiveness. For example, if the boy you’re dating forgets your birthday, let him know how important birthdays are to you. “Set the stage for open communication by speaking in a mature, reasonable voice. Be honest without getting upset,” says Alderman. She recommends asking a parent or friend to help you practice first.
Dating Tip #3: Move On from Setbacks
Sometimes things don’t work out the way you pictured. Kelley, 17, had her first kiss with a less-than-ideal boy. “I wanted to go out with someone who was kind and sweet,” she says. “This guy wanted to ‘do stuff’ but he didn’t want to go out with me.” After an emotionally confusing time, she decided to take a break from romance. “I think of boyfriends as experiences,” Kelley says. “My friends are there for me through thick and thin. I’ll find love later, when I’m older.”
“If a boyfriend doesn’t give you what you need, walk away,” says Danielle Greaves, MSW, clinical case coordinator at The Guidance Center in Cambridge, Mass. She helps girls work through how and why they get hurt by love. Sometimes the boy was mean and selfish. Other times the pain comes from unrealistic expectations. “It hurts now but you can get through this,” she tells them. “Pay attention to how resilient you are.”
The good news is that boys want many of the same things in a relationship that girls do, especially trust and honesty. In a 2007 survey of 520 teens between ages 12 and 17, 48% of girls and 40% of boys put trust at the top of the list of things that matter most. Honesty came in a close second. By contrast, only 3% of teens said popularity mattered most in a relationship.
Dating Tip #4: Talk about Facebook before You Talk on Facebook
Social media puts the ups and downs of dating out there for everyone to see. Romance and people often suffer as a result. “Facebook makes everything public,” says Rachel. Her friends monitor each others’ relationship status. “If someone’s status changes, 40 people comment right away,” she says. “The lack of privacy makes breaking up much worse. There are a lot of catfights.”
Alderman agrees. “These days, the whole world knows what’s going on between two people.” She advises teen couples to talk about Facebook and other online sites early on. For instance, you could say, “This is between us. I don’t want the whole world knowing what we do.” It’s OK to ask the boy you like to not post things about you, including photos. If he has a problem with that, he might not be the most considerate guy out there.
Dating Tip #5: Protect Yourself from Pressure
Pressure is not love, and it’s not even normal. Most teens say they have never felt pressured to be in a relationship before they were ready. This includes 84% of boys and 85% of girls. If you ever feel pressured or forced to do things you don’t want to do, that is a red flag and a good time to slow things down.
Easier said than done? Sometimes. Greaves sees lot of girls who don’t stand up for themselves. “A lot of girls compromise themselves,” she says. “You’re much better off when you know ahead of time what you want and are willing to do. Then you don’t have to make decisions in the heat of the moment.”
Here are a few concrete things you can do to keep yourself out of the pressure chamber with a guy:
* Avoid situations where a guy might expect you to do things you don’t want to do. Don’t invite him over to your house when your parents aren’t home, for instance. If he wants to go to your room, or take you to his, you don’t have to go.
* Go out with boys your age. Girls involved with guys three or more years older are far more likely to say they had sex when they didn’t want to. Girls involved with guys six or more years older are four times more likely to get pregnant than girls who date guys their own age.
Dating Tip #6: Give Love Time to Grow
If you love someone, the feelings may be very intense. You may not remember having felt so strongly before in your life. Is this true love? To get to the heart of the matter, look at your feelings for signs of mature or immature love.
Immature love is infatuation. People in immature love need constant reassurance and often have trouble focusing on anything. Being in love is more interesting than the actual people involved. Unrealistic expectations typically go hand-in-hand with immature love, leaving you feeling unfulfilled and unappreciated. Immature love is common -- movie and TV help immature love thrive, on screen and in our lives.
Mature love grows stronger with time. Mature love is based on more than simple attraction. The more the two people get to know each other, the stronger their love grows. Both people have space to be who they are, without having to pretend or second guess every move. Like teens, many adults have trouble finding mature love. That’s why it helps to learn the difference and look for mature love early on in your dating career.
Some teens date, some don’t. Some have good experiences, some go through painful heartbreak. Whether you date or not, whether you fall into immature or mature love, keep an open mind and learn what you can from every experience. The wisdom you gain will benefit you in the long run.
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